Right Place, Right Time

I’m sure we can all think of a situation where either we, or someone we know, was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. But how about you or someone else being in the right place at the right time? Well, back while I was still staying at the Ranch, that very thing happened with both me and this beautiful girl you see to the right who I am lucky and blessed enough to now call my girlfriend. She came up to the Ranch January first, the start of the new year, and I know she was not thinking anything close to this but being at the Ranch for the new year is probably one of the best starts that any one can have.

We had been told that we would be getting another client who was a girl about my age and so we were going through the day as usual and I decided, as I did numerous times a week, to make some brownies for everyone, it also seemed like a nice way to welcome in the new girl and try to make her feel a little at home. When the brownies were finished cooking, I was literally pulling them out of the oven when a couple came in followed by their extremely pissed off red-headed daughter.

When people come in, especially younger people, you never know how they will react to being there, and unfortunately, not every one who comes through exactly wants to be there. At this time I had “officially” started interning at the Ranch, and one of my duties, which I had taken on long ago, was to try to welcome in every one who came through and try to make them feel as welcome and at home as possible. As they came in I set the brownies down and went and introduced myself and said hi and then Rodney came in and took them to get them signed in and answer any more questions they had. While they did that the brownies cooled a little and everyone began to eat them. While talking with Rodney, their daughter came out and kind of stood in the kitchen area because Rodney wanted to talk to her parents alone for a little. I said hey again and asked her, her name and if she would like a brownie. She said her name was Katy and no. I tried convincing her to have one as I bragged a little about my brownie making skills in an attempt to try to lighten her mood and at least get a smile, however I got another firm no and what could have almost been considered a death stare. I thought to myself, well this will be a little harder than I thought but at least she’s really pretty so getting her to open up won’t be totally bad.

Shortly after she got called back in to talk to Rodney and her parents came out so I offered them brownies and talked with them for a little while till Rodney came back out with Katy. The three of them said good-bye and then her parents left and Rodney introduced Katy to the whole group. I could tell that Katy didn’t just have a simple wall up to the group, she had basically built an emotional Fort Knox around herself which I was fully set on breaking through and getting her involved with the group. There was something about her that had totally captivated me. I was going to get to know her if it was the last thing I did while she was there.

The first couple days were spent testing the walls trying to find somewhere that I could push to hopefully find a way into the mind of this fiery young woman. I wasn’t able to make much progress over those first two days but I just kept being myself, laughing, joking, helping out, and just being my normal quirky self. On the third day it finally paid off, she finally opened up to me a little bit because I reminded her of a couple of guys who used to be like her brothers but unfortunately died way earlier than any one ever should. From that point on, I did everything I could to learn everything about her that I could in order to try to help make her feel welcome, but to also try to find a way in which I might be able to relate to her because I was still totally mesmerized by her and how different I could tell she was.

She said she was just going to be there for a week, but I knew she would be there longer than that. I finally saw a side of Katy that I had been looking for since she had arrived one day while we took a trip to the gym. While playing basketball we ended up on opposing teams and I could tell that she needed to play and had definitely played before as she was athletic and knew how to protect the ball (she threw a couple of elbows into my chest, that was how I figured out she was strong as well). About half way through our little game, the ball came rolling right between me and Katy and we both went for the ball. As I reached down and grabbed the ball, she jumped on it which resulted in me dragging her across the floor for a couple of feet while I was laughing because I was just amazed that she was still holding on. Katy later told me that it was also this point for her that she knew, as well as I did, that we each saw something more in each other.

That something more has unfolded into way more than either one of us would have guessed at the time. The rest of her two-week stay continued to unfold as the two of us began to get to know one another better and better each day as we had countless laughs and smiles. When Katy left I got her number and we continued talking. While she was there both Rodney, one of the life coaches, and a couple of the house moms talked to me and warned me about not crossing any boundaries while she was there. While Katy was at the Ranch I told her about the conversations that I had, had with other staff members and we agreed that we should wait till after she left to decide if we should take things further. It started as soon as she left and has not stopped since, the day after she left, the 15th of January, we decided that we wanted to be more than just friends, and since we have been impatiently waiting for the next time to see each other. A couple of weeks after she had left I finally got permission to go and visit her because she lived in Conway, a town about two hours away. From that point on for about two months I would go down and see her every Saturday and spend the day with her.

For several weeks before Katy had even gotten to the Ranch, I had been looking at Conway to see if I could move there and had started looking at different jobs and apartments online but there were things that were holding me back, the biggest one being getting to know people my own age who I could build friendships with as well as having to get to know the city all by myself and not having anyone there that I already knew to help me get started. At the time I wasn’t planning on going to school, I just wanted to get out and stay somewhere close to the Ranch because in my stay there I fell in love with the area. Katy coming along and us becoming friends and then a couple answered pretty much all of my prayers about uncertainties I had about living in Conway, the only other thing left on my plate was whether or not I should actually try to get into college somewhere, and low and behold, on one of my Saturday trips to see my gorgeous girl, she showed me the University of Central Arkansas, where I am now currently planning on attending for the Fall 2012 semester.

Katy has been an answer to so many prayers and I never would have met her if I bailed on the Ranch like I had tried to do in November, and I would never have gotten to know her if she had run away like she had planned on doing. The circumstances were set so perfectly as well that things would have never gotten started between us if things hadn’t happened exactly the way that they did. Katy has been a blessing to me from the time that I met her and I don’t see that changing any where in the future. I thank God every day for her and I am always praying that God helps me to do things right and in his timing. I couldn’t have asked for a more amazing girlfriend and best friend. Thank you Katy for everything that you have done, are doing, and will ever do for me in the future, you are truly amazing!

I love you sweetie <3

I’m Sorry

Hey everyone, I’m sorry that it has been so long since I last posted. As you know I was at a Christian counseling and life coaching ranch in the Ozark’s in Arkansas and because of some of the rules there it was hard for me to get online to post anything. Well I have been back in town now for a little over a month. A lot has changed over the past several months and there is a lot to tell.

First off I think I will start with how it was I got home in the first place. At the very end of April while I was still at the ranch, things slowed down to the point that we had no one up at the ranch and we were forced to close down for the weekend till we could get some more people up there to actually be able to afford to keep it open, and because of this, I went home for what was supposed to be a week’s vacation. At the end of my week vacation however, my entire family got sick, either with the flu or a stomach bug and I was delayed another week which brought us to the week of spring break, which I promised my parents I would be home for which then dragged my stay into three weeks.

When I talked with my parents about staying for spring break after I got over the flu, my dad suggested that we use some of that time to take a tour of some colleges to get me back on the path for going to school. Over the break, the first tour I took was of UNT, the University of North Texas. The campus was awesome and overall it was a really nice school but it just didn’t feel right, the size and feel of the campus was too much like a small city and the student population was way too big for my liking. The next tour I was able to talk my dad into going on with me was of UCA, the University of Central Arkansas, which is in Conway, Arkansas, just two hours from the ranch. I immediately fell in love with the campus location and size. It was only about a fourth of the size of UNT and the campus itself was absolutely gorgeous. While we were there I took the tour of the psychology department because that is the area of study in which I am most interested and what I learned from the tour was very promising. In my mind I knew that UCA was where I was supposed to go. The next day, my dad and I went up to Fayetteville which was another couple of hours away to look at the University of Arkansas campus there because they have a hockey team, however I was drawn to it even less than UNT. On our way home, my dad was asking me about what I thought of UCA and I just couldn’t stop talking about it and he told me that at first he was against it because my mom really wants me as close to home as possible but that after seeing the school and going through the tour with me, he also thought that UCA was where I was supposed to be.

On that trip I started my application process to the University of Central Arkansas and just a couple short weeks later, I got my acceptance letter. I am now currently working on my housing, meal planning, and other final steps to get me ready to attend UCA for the Fall 2012 semester. I have made some big strides forward over the past couple months but this has been the biggest one. I am filled with anticipation, fear of the unknown as I move into uncharted waters, and joy. I know that this is where I am supposed to be going and what I am supposed to be doing but it is still all overwhelming at times but I am not taking this journey alone.

One very notable event that happened towards the end of my stay at the ranch, was an encounter that has led to a relationship that I never saw coming. In my last month at the ranch, I was told that we had another client coming, she was about my age and lived in Conway. I was excited to have another person my age coming but was in no way expecting anything to happen. When I first went to the ranch all those months ago, I had told myself that I was going to stop looking to try to find a girlfriend and decided that I really wasn’t going to even try to date any one till I had finished or was almost finished with college, so every time a girl came through about my age, in my mind I had already decided that the last thing I would think about was trying to get into a relationship with her. When Katy finally got there however, things quickly changed the more that I got to know her. At first I was just doing what I did there, and that was to try to make new clients feel as welcome as possible and try to help keep them involved, well the more I got to know Katy and the more she got to know me, I knew that something was different about her. A few weeks after she left, I was going to visit here on the weekends and we finally started going out. We had to wait to decide anything till she had left the ranch because I was technically an employee there and she was a client, so there were definitely boundaries there that I couldn’t cross so we waited till she had left to talk about getting serious. Katy has done so much for me in the three months that we have now been going out and I know that God brought her into my life for a reason.

Every one that I have told about Katy living in Conway and my decision to go to UCA (also in Conway) have all assumed that she was the reason that I have chosen to go there, but that is not the case. Before Katy ever got to the ranch, I had been thinking about leaving the ranch, and moving to somewhere in Arkansas that was relatively close to the ranch, and from looking at maps and driving to and from the ranch so many times, Conway had been on my radar for a while. My only real hold back from moving to Conway was that I wouldn’t know any one there, I wouldn’t be able to make friends easily with people my own age because I wouldn’t have gone to college, and I wouldn’t have any one to keep me accountable or show me around. With Conway on my radar and out of the blue a month later, Katy showing up, things were just falling right into place it seemed for me to move out to Conway, because with having met Katy and knowing her, basically all of those worries that I had would be taken care of because she would be able to introduce me to people and show me the ropes as she has lived there her whole life. So needless to say, all of the doors seemed to be opening for me to go to Conway, and I was planning of taking those doors, everything was just falling into place too perfectly. Well, some doors closed that kept me from moving there and on a trip to see Katy, another door was opened, and that door was UCA. While seeing her one Saturday, she showed me the campus a little bit and told me about it briefly, and soon after I began looking into it more and finally ended up on a tour there, applying, and getting accepted. All of the doors that have needed to open to get me to Conway and UCA have all opened at the perfect time and in the perfect order. This is where I am supposed to be going, I know this beyond a shadow of a doubt.

After I got back from Arkansas with my dad from looking at colleges, the decision had already been made that I would be staying home till school started up again in the fall. On our way up to Arkansas, we were talking about me working in college and not working my first semester. I am going to need to save up so that I can get away with not working my first semester, and with one phone call, I pretty much had a job, all I had to do was get the paperwork filled out when I got back and go through the application process. The job was going to be a part-time job at an ice rink, which was perfect for me. When I got back from the trip, the next day I headed up to the rink to fill out paper work. On the way up however I stopped by the motorcycle shop by our house that we bought all our dirt bikes from, and was offered a part-time job there as well. I have since been working at the motorcycle shop and I am in the final application process at the ice rink. The fact that I got both of these jobs with one phone call and one spur of the moment visit, there is no other way than to say that God opened those doors for me. With those jobs, I am able to work two part-time jobs and begin saving for my first semester of college.

Things have been moving so fast for me and I am still overwhelmed, but I know I am in the right place and that God has all of this planned out for me. I also know that I am not going through all of this alone either thanks to my parents and Katy. This journey is once again just beginning as this new chapter of my life begins to unfold.

An Update From The Ranch

Just a really quick and to the point update from what all is going on here in Arkansas:

I have been back for almost two weeks now and I have begun my internship here at the ranch, spending time working with the grounds keeper with some construction as well as the house moms here helping to keep things around the cabin organized. I am also currently in the admissions process for Liberty University Online so that I can continue with my education as I move forward.

The multitude of backgrounds and personalities of the people here is as wide and varied as ever but it is no surprise that once again we have a huge family here. It never ceases to amaze me how God is able to bring together such a wide range of people and work them all together into a family. It really is true that while you are here, you will find family that you never knew you had.

With everything falling together so fast however, I have so much flying through my mind about school and working here. My stress levels are nearly through the roof and I am feeling rather overwhelmed at the moment. There is so much going on in my life both physically and emotionally that I am ending every day drained and exhausted. This weekend I have been able to relax a fair amount but I’m not sure if it was enough to last me the whole week again.

Please pray for me.

At the Ranch For A Long Time… Temporarily

I finally made it back up to Big Creek Ranch in Harriet Arkansas late Wednesday afternoon from probably the last trip home that I am going to take for quite some time. My trip home for Christmas was overall really good. It was so good to see all of my siblings and to spend time with them, but what wasn’t quite as good as I expected it was actually physically being home. When I was home back in November I started to paint my room and was doing quite a big physical makeover when I had to leave close to the end of completing the project. When I went back to the Ranch, my mom kept the project going however so upon returning this past week, I went home to a completely finished room that was nothing like my old room, and not only that, but during my long absence my brothers quickly moved in and have begun to turn my room into a recording studio and they already have a huge system of speakers set up in my room. Going home to all of that, and not expecting any of it, was a huge shock and I really just felt like I physically didn’t belong there any more. I was at my house with my family, but that house is no longer truly my home.

I am glad to be back here at the Ranch as I stated earlier, and I have a lot of tools that I have acquired that I cannot wait to implement and truly put into practice as I begin working here at the Ranch as an intern, doing whatever it is that they need me to do and whatever it is that God will call me to do in the future. Right now, living here at the Ranch is a temporary place of residency but it seems that the next four to six months or so is going to be a long time.

All I can ask for from everyone is to ask for your prayers that God will continue to show me what it is He has planned for me to do and that He will continue to keep me in His will.

Home for the Holidays

I have spent a little time talking with my parents the past couple days as well as with my psychiatrist about going home for Christmas and all of the conversations have led to where I am now, looking for a flight sometime next week! I have been dying to see my family again even though I have only been here about three weeks, however in those three weeks I spent thanksgiving here as well as gone through some tough times that I wish I could have my family here for support. It basically all comes down to, I love my family and I really miss them.

Through talking with my psychiatrist, he thinks that it would be a good idea for me to go home to my family for Christmas, because in doing so I would be discharged as a patient, and after a week or so, when I return, I will be able to be signed back in this time as an intern and finally begin working here.

I have high hopes for going home this time unlike last time when I only lasted a week because of how much I fell back into a hole. When I went home last time, I did so fully expecting things to get much worse, I was just uncomfortable with how much progress I was making and that was pushing me outside of my comfort zone which was the pain I have lived with for as long as I can remember. The difference with going home this time is that instead of going home with intent to never come back to the Ranch and to fall back into a downward spiral, my mindset this time is that I am going to be going home for more of a vacation than to settle back in there. This small change in mindset, I feel, is going to be the key factor that will allow for a more favorable outcome this time. I know that God wants me to be at the Ranch and to work here, this is where I am supposed to be, and by going home as a vacation, I am no longer trying to  run away from what God wants for me to do as Jonah did.

I feel that I need to go home for more reasons than just one, I have some things that I need to get ready so that I can really thrive in the internship and work the program that I need to, and in order to do those things properly, I really do need my parents by my side to help me get everything in order. Along with that, I really feel like I need to be there for my brothers and sisters as well. I miss them so much and I know that in the past I haven’t always been the big brother that they need and recently, with the progress that I have made in my relationships with them, I am missing a lot of opportunities to be what I have told them that I was going to be so in going home, I can show them that I truly have changed and show them all that God has done in my life.

I am really looking to going home for Christmas and I can’t wait to see my family.

Just a Quick Update

I have been back at the Ranch now for two weeks and things have been pretty interesting since I have been back, but overall things have gone really well. The past two days about, we have had a light snow that has fallen on and off so right now the scenery looks amazing because a (very) thin snow blanket now covers the dead and gray trees and ground.

Already in the past two weeks that I have been here, I have already seen a lot of people come in and out, with personalities all as different as any one could imagine, yet somehow, just like the last two times that I was here, no matter how different the people may seem, everyone seems to fall into place perfectly and a kind of family quickly forms as everyone gets to know one another. It is a little hard staying here for so long because you do see so many people come through and with how the Ranch has been set up, you get very close to the people who come and stay here, so every time someone leaves, it does feel like a family member or a friend you have had your whole life. One of the life coaches that works here shared a poem with me that helps put into perspective all of these people coming in and out of our lives called The Pleasant Mile.

The Pleasant Mile

People come into our lives

And walk with us a mile.

Then because of circumstance,

They only stay a while.

They serve a need within our day

That moves so quickly by.

Then are gone beyond our reach.

We often wonder why.

God only knows the reason

That we meet and share a smile.

Why people come into our lives

And walk with us a mile.

I now have a print off of this poem and I am going to use it by writing the names of those people who come through the Ranch and speak into my life so that I can remember that God had a purpose for bringing them into my life for the time that He did.

On a personal note, since being here I have managed to get back on my feet a little bit and I have quickly gotten back into the daily routine of life at the Ranch but the past few days, things have kind of slowed down for me a little bit and I have some things that I am struggling with that are putting a downer on my mood and making things difficult for me. I have finally begun to start helping out around the Ranch a little bit just doing small things here and there starting to get my feet wet with what interning will be like, so I haven’t fully started yet but I’m getting closer to starting work every day. The other major thing that I have been trying to figure out is what to do about online classes and trying to find somewhere to enroll. I have spent time lately looking up different online colleges and courses but I still feel like I really lack direction on where to look and how to start.

There is a lot of good that has happened but there has also been some not so great things as well, so my  one request for everyone who reads this is just that you would all pray for me so that I can work through this time and begin to work here as effectively as possible for the Lord, because I know that I am supposed to be here. Thank you guys for all of the prayer that you have given me in the past and for the prayers that, I pray, will continue to come my way.

Well I’m Back Again

Well I didn’t get a chance to fully explain my second trip to Arkansas and I apologize for that. The reason that I didn’t have a chance to tell you all about my month and a half experience at the Ranch is because I was home for barely a week before I was on a plane headed back to Little Rock.

During my short time at home, I began to fall back into a downward spiral rather quickly and pushed away from everyone and began to isolate. My parents tried to help me as well as my psychologist but I kept pushing away from everything which landed me back in my psychiatrist’s office on Wednesday morning. Both of my parents accompanied me to the appointment and while we were there several things happened.

The first thing that happen, which I was expecting to happen, was that he changed my medication again continuing to try to find a right combination of medicines to help and keep me stable. Rewinding a little, before I actually saw my doctor, I talked with a nurse who went through a lot of questions to get an idea of where I’m at and how I’m doing. After she left and I was waiting for my psychiatrist to come in, I just spent that time praying. The night before and while I was waiting to go into my appointment, God started to open my eyes a little and showed me that I really wasn’t in a good place and that I was on a road to an even darker place. While I was praying, I prayed for three things: where should I go, what should I do about school, and what should I do about getting a job. I prayed that God would tell me these things, not just point me in a general direction or give me a sign to interpret, but that He would flat-out tell me what I needed to do because I was so lost and unsure of what I needed t do. I told God, that if I was supposed to go back to the Ranch, that I would. Shortly after, my psychiatrist came in and then he adjusted my medication, and after he did that he looked at me and with his next words, my prayer was answered. He looked at me and said, “Okay here is what you are going to do. You are going to go back to the ranch and spend a month or so getting back on your feet. Once you get back to where you were before you left you will start working there as an intern and you will get paid and while you are doing this we will get you signed up to take classes through Texas Tech online.” Just like that, everything that I had been stressing over and wondering about had been placed before me in black and white.

There is just something about the Ranch that allows me to prosper and make great strides forward, and when I came home, things quickly began to fall apart. Previously, when I had decided to come to the Ranch, I had felt a peace about coming which was something new for me, but I never felt like I was 100% sure that I was supposed to be there specifically, but I knew that I needed to go somewhere like the Ranch. This time, after my psychiatrist (and owner of the ranch) told me what I was going to do, I felt that same overwhelming peace but along with that I felt that I was supposed to be there and that this is what I needed to be doing.

The last time that I was at the ranch, just over a week and a half ago, I had been talking with the owner of the program about becoming an intern and working here, but I just didn’t feel like it was something that I could do, I felt so strongly that I needed to be home to take care of things that I still had back home. After going home though, I saw that that was a place that I did not need to be. When I went home, I really had nothing to go back to. I had a job that I could have gone back to but it wasn’t one that I completely loved and I have been having some back problems lately and that job was a moving company so I wouldn’t have been able to work for a while any ways. Another thing that was a problem was that I was going to have to wait another month and a half before I could start taking classes again because I had dropped my classes so I have to wait till the next semester. These two things along with not having any one to keep me accountable or any kind of safety net of friends, created a situation in which I was totally alone with all the free time in the world on my hands which quickly led to a bad downward spiral. The Ranch though, and the plan that my doctor proposed took care of everything that I was worried about and much more I feel like.

I will only be a client/patient here for a little while before I start interning so I will be able to update you all a little more often. I hope that you all will continue to pray for me while I am here, that I am able to get back on my feet quickly and that while I am here working, that God will be able to use me in the lives of all of the people who He brings across my path. This is going to be a very interesting time for me in my life as I have basically moved out from home and I am now basically on my own. My life is starting to take off and head in a direction that my parents no longer have total control over. I am beginning to live my life and follow where the Lord is taking me.

Finally Home

So I am finally home after almost a month and a half at Big Creek Ranch in Harriet, Arkansas. I am going to try and get some photos up of where I was if I am able to and I will post a much more in depth post of my time spent there. While I was there though I figured 0ut a lot about myself and who I am in Christ. My time there was very productive and I made a lot of new friends which made leaving harder than I expected. I’m really going to miss BCR and everything that it has done for me. God truly works miracles through that amazing and wonderful place.

Big Creek Ranch

Hey everyone,

Things have been really interesting for me the past several weeks. I have been struggling a lot lately and there is so much that I could share but I don’t exactly have the time to go through everything but things have not been too good lately. Things have been seeming to just pile up and up and my foundation finally caved in.

I was here at the Ranch previously in the beginning of July and I finally accepted Christ as some of you know back on July 21 of this year. I got aimed in the right direction spiritually but two weeks was not nearly long enough to build my foundation. I have no idea who I really am honestly and I have always found my identity in other things, namely hockey for the past 11 years. This trip is something that I need so bad. I need to take the time to remove myself from everything and remove all of these extra things that I could use as an identity because I need to find out who I actually am.

I have been here for six days already but my trip is nothing close to over. I am going to be here through the beginning of December. I was not planning on being able to post anything and I don’t intend to post any more till I get back. The only thing I need from anyone is prayer that God works in me to allow me to find out who I truly am.

Thank you all for your prayer and encouragement. I know that God was able to do a tremendous amount in my life in just two weeks stay here, so there is no telling what He will be able to do with two months dedicated for myself and God.

Beautiful

Beautiful

- Eminem

“I’m just so f*****g depressed
I just can’t seem to get out this slump
If I could just get over this hump
But I need something to pull me out this dump

I took my bruises, took my lumps
Fell down and I got right back up
But I need that spark to get psyched back up

…

Lately I’ve been hard to reach
I’ve been too long on my own
Everybody has their private world
Where they can be alone

…

I don’t know how or why or when
I ended up this position I’m in
I’m starting to feel dissin’ again
So I decided just to pick this pen

Up and try to make an attempt to vent
But I just can’t admit
Or come to grips with the fact that I may be done with rap
I need a new outlet

…

But you’d have to walk a thousand miles

In my shoes, just to see
What it’s like, to be me
I’ll be you, let’s trade shoes
Just to see what it’d be like

To feel your pain, you feel mine
Go inside each others’ minds
Just to see what we’d find
Look at s**t through each others’ eyes

…

Nobody asked for life to deal us
With these bull s**t hands we’re dealt
We gotta take these cards ourselves
And flip ‘em, don’t expect no help

…

I just wanted to fit in
Every single place, every school I went
I dreamed of being that cool kid
Even if it meant acting stupid

…

But I already told you my whole life story
Not just based on my description
‘Cause where you see it, from where you’re sittin
It’s probably 110% different

I guess we would have to walk a mile
In each others shoes at least

…

And to the rest of the world
God gave you shoes to fit you
So put ‘em on and wear ‘em
Be yourself man, be proud of who you are
Even if it sounds corny
Don’t ever let anyone tell you you ain’t beautiful”

I have been listening to this song over and over for a couple of hours just listening to the lyrics and the message and feelings that Eminem portrays in this song. I see myself one hundred percent in this song, a lot of my past but a whole lot of where I am right now in these lyrics. The lyrics that I posted above are some of the most meaningful to me, however there are a lot more in the song that hit me just as hard.

I feel like I am stuck in this hole right now that has just completely engulfed me in darkness but no matter how much I try to reach out for help, it feels like I am just too far down for anyone to reach me. I don’t feel like any one is able to relate to where I am well enough to be able to reach down to the depths that I am currently stuck in.

I am in a lot of physical pain as well as I am experiencing some issues with my back, possibly from when I fractured it a couple of years ago, but it is only adding to the darkness because it is an excuse not to do anything because of the pain. I have spent so much time lately just laying in bed not wanting to or even seeing a reason to move.

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately and everything seems hopeless to me and I don’t really want to even try to do anything any more. I don’t even want to try to act happy or be engaged in situations because I know that nothing good will happen because of it. I just feel empty and dead inside. Nothing really matters to me any more.

There is nothing that is inspiring me to get up and do anything or something to motivate me or to try to reach as a goal. I’ve been spending a lot of time alone lately, and even when I am around people, my mind is a million miles away and it is just making me harder to reach because I have become so detached once again.

I feel like I have lost everything that I used to love and I have no way to vent or express myself any more so everything is just being bottled up inside and I really don’t want to finally reach a breaking point because I have no idea what will happen but I know that if I do reach that breaking point, that there are going to be some things that are going to happen that I will never be able to change or do-over.

I never asked to have bipolar disorder, depression, or any of the other things that I struggle with but I have them any ways and there is nothing that I can do to change what life has given me and I truly feel like I am totally alone in having to take what I have and turn it into something that I can use but it has become something that feels impossible with the amount of stuff that I still have to struggle with every day and the dark emotions that are impossible for me to escape from.

No matter how I tell my story, everyone will see things just a little differently than the way that I see things because they haven’t been through everything that I have been through or experienced everything that I have, just as I cannot fully understand someone else’s situations or experiences.

God has put everyone in a unique situation that is different from any one else’s, and we need to take what we have been given and live in it. We cannot try to be someone who God hasn’t created us to be because God created us the way that we are so that He can use us to do specific things that others might not be able to do.

I know that God has allowed all  of these things to happen to me but I am having an incredibly hard time coming to terms with that and trusting Him to always be there for me and to have what is best in mind for me in everything that He does. I don’t want to give everything back to Him because it feels like every time that I do, things just totally fall apart over and over again and I cannot handle it any more.